It's Life

Life has always been quite easy for me. Not meaning to flaunt it by any means but I'm proud of the life I've been so priviledged to have and don't want anyone to think I take it for granted, but life sure dealt me a good hand. I'm so lucky to have the good people in my life that I love and cherish so much and can't wait to see the adventures that the future holds for us and the new people who may join the ride.

I've noticed though that recently I've gotten quite self-concious and can't exactly pin point the feelings. It's the kind when days tend to lag and when they pass by it happened too quickly. I feel in over my head and stress is taking it's toll settling into my back giving me wonderful aches and pains. It's not just physically that I am this way but also how my whole life is supposed to pan out. I doubt myself and my abilities for my line of work or any possible career in my future. Its adulthood settling in and I can't say much more other then that I am scared for what lays ahead. I'm constanty being told to stop and smell the flowers because I plan and that's what I'm comfortable with..spontaneity is great and even little wonders but as for knowing what I want I can't trust that in the hands of destiny and I don't want to trust them in mine.

I'm 21...shouldn't I have this figured out by now? I'm not getting any younger. I'm not claiming that I'm old I'm simply stating that so many people know what they want out of themselves in life and I don't. I know what I want to achieve, but then the self-doubt resides in the back of my mind the one that reminds you this is reality and not the childhood tale that anything is possible.

The only time I'm comfortable is when I plan. I plan adventures to fill my life with joy and excitement but don't know what to do to keep me entertained between these times. I've always played it safe and I kind of don't want to anymore. I feel like I want to be the person that people think I am but I feel as though they are talking about someone else when they direct these compliments upon me. I've been told I'm a strong person, but I feel weak. I've been told I turned out so great but really I feel as though I'm a work in progress. It dawned on me one morning that everyone has their doubts, everyone gets self concious so I just need to suck it up and stop being so cautious. Everyone has had heartache and had tragedies in their life and I've gotten off so easily so I need to move on from what has been done in the past and begin to trust, trust everything will be okay.